Emo Philips Quotes :
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle, then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. — Emo Philips
England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual’. — Emo Philips
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don’t know I’m firing blanks. — Emo Philips
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, ‘Here, lady… take your purse.’ — Emo Philips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, ‘I’m going to mop the floor with your face.’ I said, ‘You’ll be sorry.’ He said, ‘Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, ‘Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.’ — Emo Philips
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. — Emo Philips
Probably the worst time in a person’s life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it’s been a pretty good day. — Emo Philips
The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It’s a very tricky thing. — Emo Philips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. — Emo Philips
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. — Emo Philips
Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can’t continue with the “urbane sophisticate” ’til the day I die. — Emo Philips
My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets. — Emo Philips
I pray a simple prayer every morning. It’s an ecumenical prayer. Whether you’re Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. — Emo Philips
Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me. — Emo Philips
I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in. — Emo Philips
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one. — Emo Philips
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk – I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it. — Emo Philips
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. — Emo Philips
I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods. — Emo Philips
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I’ve got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 – three times more people came to see where it used to be. — Emo Philips
Also Read: 55 Inspiring Ricky Gervais Quotes On Religion, God And Happiness
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him. — Emo Philips
Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household. — Emo Philips
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell. — Emo Philips
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, ‘I’ll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I’ll be famous.’ So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me. — Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches. — Emo Philips
I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible. — Emo Philips
I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won. — Emo Philips
Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from a gardening block. — Emo Philips
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others. — Emo Philips
Who Is Emo Philips?
Philip Soltanec was a mentally disturbed and nervous but very intelligent child whom people used to laugh at. That’s why one day he decided to become a comedian and make people laugh. Since then people stopped laughing at him and he became famous as Emo Philips.
This is a real story of famous American actor, stand-up comedian, writer and producer Emo Philips. He converted people’s bad behavior and his shortcomings into his strength.
Emo Philips is named in E4’s 100 Greatest Comedians and Channel 4’s top 100 greatest standups comedians. We have to learn from his life that no matter how we are wired for people, we should accept ourselves because only then we will be able to be happy and successful in life.
I’m sure, Imo Phillips quotes you’ve seen first have given you more insight into his mindset and thoughts.